BLOG SERIES - PART 4
SOCIAL NETWORKING OPINIONS PART I..
This is a long one.. So long I split it into two parts. I must feel really strongly about this. Or I’m just proper confused?
I’m still trying to figure out the best way to let people know that I’ve written a blog. Am I supposed to tell people to read it via twitter? Do I subtly advertise what I’ve been up to by dropping it into an online conversation so other followers can ‘accidentally’ learn how great I think I am? Do I shamelessly hammer my work to everyone I know like a club promoter trying to get you to queue for a club that charges a month’s rent for a bottle of water? Or do I not actually care if anyone reads them at all and just write them as a way to air my confusions with the world?
I’m kind of pitching myself somewhere in the middle cos I don’t really mind if people don’t read them but it is quite flattering when people do.
…But what actually is the best way? It’s a weird one isn’t it.. cos all this twitter and social netbooking nonsense (check me out, being one of those casual people who pretends not to care about all this by not quite getting the terms right! Pathetic isn’t it - I’m as into it as anyone! haha!)
Where was I?…. Yeah this twittbooking lark.. its all come about really quickly. As a society, we had decades to figure out how best to use the telephone and what it meant to our lives. Then pagers showed up and changed the way we got in touch when we were not within earshot. Where as, social networking in relative terms has blasted on the scene when as a society we have only just got to grips with what sending a text means to our culture.
e.g. Remember before the days when a girlfriend could check up on her boyfriend by blagging his phone and scanning his texts? The pre-mobile equivalent of that was dialling 1471 (or *69 if you are cool and American (Americans were cool back in those pre- mobile/pre-George Bush days.. anyone under the age of 21 will have to trust me here - Knight Rider and Mcdonald’s were the nuts!))
So we haven’t yet figured out the rules on snooping through phones, or having passwords on phones and whether or not you should share your password with a partner… cos if they wanna know it, that means they don’t trust you, but on the other hand, if you don’t tell them it then let’s be honest, they probably shouldn’t be trusting you.
…and whilst we were figuring all that shit out, along came Myspace (HA! -remember that! Whatever happened to having a profile tune on your page? ..that was mint!) …and then Facebook and now Twitter, which ironically strips things back to what is basically a pager but is viewable by the whole world.
Honestly, if the people making pagers back in the 80’s had marketed them as cool things that could send limited text of 140 characters.. but the only catch is, the whole world is entitled to read whatever you write, how many people do you suppose would fork out for it?
I’m gonna say none… and there is nothing anyone can do about that cos I’m the one writing this drivel.
What on earth is my point?
Oh yeah… we havent figured out what is cool and acceptable to tweet. We don’t know what the ideal formula for a Youtube smash is or how much is too much self PR on Facebook - let’s face it, anyone raggin on their mates for self PR on facebook is a hypocrite if their own Facebook contains anything of the following: a picture, a description of any kind, a status, a public comment, a list of friends. All of these things are self PR so why not just flog ya self and go full out and tell the world why exactly you think yourself to be so darn special?
Why not go even further and make a fan-page that jumps completely un-seamlessly from 1st to 3rd person to make it seem for a moment like a genuine doting fan has made it on behalf of the subject but then suddenly it’s a page written by the subject themselves… pure class right? (I’ve witnessed actual examples of this).
(My own ‘Public Figure’ page is all in 1st person, although I’m not convinced that makes me any less shameless?! Just having to tick a box marked ‘Public Figure’ smarts of being a smug twat. But I do like having somewhere I can chat to people without giving up personal pictures and conversations with friends and family on a personal facebook page)
So.. why not do a shameless PR 1st-3rd person fan-page or call yourself ‘the-real’ or ‘official’ on your twitter?!
Well firstly… Calling yourself ‘the real’ suggests that anyone else that shares your name is not real and has no right to the name. If you require that exclusivity you should get your cheque book out and start paying for the privilege.
Writing ‘official’ doesn’t automatically legitimise the page either. Has it not occurred to ‘the-reals’ and ‘officials’ of the online world, that a faker could also pull that stroke and fool us all with their genius fakery??
…And secondly… It confuses me that people can’t seem to be happy and proud of what they already are and what they have already achieved. Why make a page that promotes you as something you are not? Ambition and dreams are also important and to be proud of.. but if you celebrate the success of those ambitions once the hard work is done and the success is actually realised, surely that is more rewarding than celebrating something that hasn’t happened yet.. Or as I like to call it ‘a lie’??
I am currently writing a blog but that does not make me a writer. It makes me, at best, a confused idiot with a laptop.
Perhaps if I do achieve success as a writer I will take pleasure in that then, instead of just feeling relieved that I’ve finally achieved what I’ve been lying about for years. In the meantime I am proud and feel lucky to be working hard and making a living as a model.
Filming yourself reading lines and putting it online does not make an actor just like putting an album on facebook entitled ‘portfolio’ does not make you a model.
So to sum up, I’ve figured out that I don’t wanna tell anyone about things that are not yet true. So… here I am writing a blog about things in the world that confuse me, nothing more and nothing less, I expect nothing from it but I enjoy putting stuff out there and learning if others feel the same way as I do.. or if in fact.. I’m weird.
However, I still haven’t really figured out how to let people know I’ve written a blog. I’ll let you know if I figure it out in part two next week!
END OF PART ONE..
Tune in next week for part two of ‘SOCIAL NETWORKING OPINIONS’..
In next week’s instalment….
‘Ya know what else pisses me off? And here comes my first personal rule of social networking. Remember the bit when I mentioned that on twitter the whole world can read it?? Please god can everyone consider, not just that the whole world can read it, but also whether or not they WANT to and in this case ‘NEED’ to.’
Have a good week guys. This time next week the Euros will be starting so I am likely to be tweeting shit loads about football… Apologies to non-football fans!!
xx
BLOG SERIES - PART 3
SWITCH OFF ALL ELECTRICAL EQPT COS WE WILL BE LANDING SOON ???
If we are still flying around the world in planes that can be crashed cos someone is listening to an ipod, I fear that health and safety experts might be missing a trick. Not to mention terrorists.. all the effort they have to go to, to bring a plane down:
Uncomfortable underpants/shoes,
Sneaking on liquids over 100 ml,
Tweezers,
Funny shaped cultery.
Never, ever saying the word B***.
Years of suicide training.
….the whole time they could have just listened to the latest Kylie album as the plane was due to land.
Oh, sorry! Its for our own safety that we switch off our devices is it? Cos if the plane gets into difficulty, we MUST NOT be distracted by headphones cos we need to have our wits about us (Virgin atlantic also make you put blankets under the seat in front of you for this reason?!)
To be honest, if the plane is fucked, I’m sorry to say that my wits will be of no use at all, neither will my legs being free of the restrictions of a thin red blanket.
In addition, if the plane was going down and I am unfortunate enough to be conscious and compus throughout, it might have served as some comfort to have had warm legs and a bit of music whilst I put on my oxygen mask… BEFORE helping the person seated next to me of course. (yes I listened, even though I am a frequent traveller).
Also… I don’t need to be introduced to the captain, the head flight attendant, the junior flight attendant, then the captain again, then informed of our speed, altitude and the outside temperature (who cares? Is anyone planning on going outside?) I would much rather be left to watch films that I would otherwise never have watched, in peace.
Tray tables and seat backs in upright and locked position, we are ready for landing, which of course means I have to switch my computer off in case the pilot gets distracted by my typing and ditches over Richmond park.
PS.. The weather is mint in England today! This country looks awesome from the air and especially in the sunshine. In my opinion it is the most beautiful country I’ve been to.
… Now, let’s see how many followers I lose this week.. last week’s blog was like a nuclear evacuation!! haha!
Have a good weekend everyone!
x
NEW BLOG SERIES - PART TWO
STARBUCKS, OATMEAL AND FREE WIFI.
Right, I’m fairly sure it’s ignorance that leads people who work in Starbucks to not understand that Porridge and Oatmeal are the same thing.
In New York, if by being English I accidentally order a porridge, the vacant look I receive in return is nothing short of bizarre. Even if you have never had someone make that mistake, surely you must be able to put 2 and 2 together and work out what I’m talking about.
I will say this though, New Yorkers can be somewhat forgiven because as a society they tend not to embrace the British culture as much as us Brits love the Yanks.
We grew up watching their films and listening to their music, not to mention being ruled by them via our ‘special relationship’. (It’s OK, we Brits bitch about it all the time, which is an absolutely not bitter way of maintaining our dignity as we march headlong into wars that have nothing to do with us in order to keep up appearances with the big kids.
Just so we the British know.. Most Americans have no idea what the ‘special relationship’ is, and are not completely sure if Britain still exists.)
So when I accidentally order Oatmeal in London, how is it that a Starbucks employee cannot fathom that I might mean Porridge?
Porridge is made purely of oats (so for once, the American term is probably more appropriate - see: ‘American Football’ for an example of an inappropriate term - the game is played with their hands?!)
As well as this, we have been watching American films and TV and know they call Porridge, Oatmeal and also… it often actually says OATMEAL on the box of Porridge in the UK as well.
Next time the Starbucks employee looks at me blankly as if I’ve just spoken in Zulu I’m gonna wait it out. I’m happy to spend all day staring and waiting for them to be a little less ignorant and remember that they know exactly what I’m talking about and perhaps should climb down off their lofty Starbucks perch and just get me my damn Porridge.
- ‘Of course I want fruit with it, who says no to that option?’ You might as well take it even if you don’t eat it!
That said, I do love Starbucks. For years I would walk round New York, unable to use the internet on my phone because roaming charges are just MADE UP and phone companies decided that anyone attempting to use their phone abroad should be punished for no reason with astronomical bullshit charges that reflect nothing but greed.
Anyway, Starbucks were good enough to offer free wifi, therefore I would always recognise the Starbucks sign as an opportunity to connect with the world that we are all now a slave to.
I need my emails for work and to keep me sane, therefore Starbucks is a sign that I can work and maintain my sanity.
Even though in the UK I can roam at a reasonable price, I still recognise that sign as a sign of comfort and communication.
They also do Chai Lattes, which are just divine.
Shouldn’t wifi just be free everywhere now?! Everyone makes money from people being online, so surely people being online all the time means people will make more money. That’s not why I think wifi should be free but I know that financial reasons are probably why its not.
Oh that reminds me. What kind of a hotel doesn’t offer free wifi?
As if they don’t just charge 5 extra pounds per night for a room to make everyone think they have free wifi. Its such a massive twat when you arrive in a hotel and they want to charge you for extras. What person who has found themselves in a position in their life where they need to sleep in a hotel for the night…. i.e. businessman, traveller, or normal human being who lives in the real world…. and does not need wifi?!
Thanks to all those hotels who do provide us with the option though. I do appreciate your consideration but in future I’ll just take the free wifi.
Don’t bother with your: ‘Wifi is free in the lobby Sir’ bullshit either. Why on earth would I want to spend my evening in the lobby? That completely defeats the object of purchasing a room!!
… and if you even think about providing me with an ‘ethernet cable’ or god help you a fucking ‘DONGLE’… you can kindly piss off.. I’d rather sleep in a Starbucks.
NEW BLOG SERIES -PART ONE
‘My iphone is broken - kindly get over it’.
Here is an interesting phenomenon… A perfectly normal human with vision suitable enough for them to say; drive a car, or read a newspaper, will somehow lose all sense of that vision (and perhaps the fact that their’s is NOT a unique ability to see things) when confronted with an iphone with a cracked screen.
I smashed my iphone a while back, something I like everyone else, feared would happen from the moment I purchased the space age looking wonder-tool.
You would think that having figured out how to talk to someone on the other side of the world, then managed the same feat without the use of a wire, then having put all the information on the internet in the palm of your hand (not to mention inventing the internet) AND giving us mobile TV and youtube AND video cameras and then video phones and text and email AND now a small person called Siri inside the phone who acts as a personal assistant and seems to know absolutely everything… they might have figured out how to package all that stuff in something more appropriate than a smashable case?!
It’s like making a car out of cotton wool - I admit that would look pretty cool, but piss off if you think Im getting in it!!
Now, as I’m walking out of my home having just been through the ultimate and hideous mess of a relationship break up. I head towards my car, armed with a bag that would end up becoming my home for the next 4 months and counting.
I reach into my pocket, with no idea where I’m going or where I now live, and pull my car keys out, with them comes my iphone.
As it tumbles to the floor I am reminded of Alanis Morissete and that prickish little black fly in her wine.
Sure enough, I pick up the phone to realise that on that day of all days, it has decided to reveal its most inconvenient of design flaws.. a glass screen… honestly, who’s idea?!
As I began to allow the acknowledgment of the situation to bring with it thoughts of rage, panic and stress, I realised that none were forthcoming. In fact quite the opposite. I actually thought to myself… ‘Well that’s got that out the way then. I can stop treating my phone like a newborn baby and chuck it around a bit…. also no-one is gonna steal it now!’
So instead of making what I’m sure would have been a thoroughly rewarding phonecall to an insurance company, who will have conveniently created several new loopholes and 5-7 working day waiting periods and ‘you send us the damaged phone, we will have a look at it and send you back one when we are sure you are telling the truth (oh hang on, did you drop it on the floor? Sorry mate you are only covered if you drop it onto a mattress or a fluffy dog).’
All that, I will have signed for in the shop, as the 19 year old cocky sales assistant was telling me about how ‘the insurance is airtight and don’t worry about a thing, just sign the bottom’, (Afterall if you read ALL the smallprint you will be here till next Tuesday (I believe it was a Thursday when I bought my phone)) whilst forgetting to mention the lovely commission he was earning to spout the utter tripe he was chucking at me.
I thought perhaps I would spare myself the stress of that bollox and simply continue with my now damaged and yet still working iphone.
To be honest I’m pleased with my decision, i will admit that 4 months later my phone is held together with tape and it may not look a treat (to the point where someone asked to borrow my phone the other day and when I handed it to them they looked at it and simply said: ‘Its Ok I’ll ask someone else.’) …but it still works perfectly and I’m no longer scared to drop it!
The problem with this comes when these perfectly normal people seem to lose their vision, or at least assume that despite the fact that I’m not carrying a stick or walking a dog, I have lost mine.
These normal people when confronted with my smashed up phone say to me: ‘Mate, have you seen your phone?’
Of course I bloody have! Its my phone! How could I not have noticed it? I’m holding it in my hand right now!!!
Amazing!!
Other than that I am happy with my battered phone but unfortunately I am faced with yet another example where my desire to do what works for me but that might not necessarily work for others means I am, in the eyes of others, surely insane.
Personally, I need a phone to call and text people and in recent years it has helped immenssly to be online for: email twitter and a bit of facebook here and there, I also like listening to music. Other than that I dont have any other use for a phone. So if all that is working, why on earth should it matter what the phone looks like?
…It spends 90% of its time in my pocket anyway. Does having a tidy looking iphone also mean I need to buy a set of fancy-looking house keys? Cos they live in my pocket but I can assure you they are just ‘key-looking’ things that really add no aeshetic value to the world… but fuck me are they functional… a bit like a phone, surely?!!
Also.. Gonna release a series of very weird collaboration stories with @IAmSamWay -proper daft stories, written on set of hilfiger campaign.
Gonna start a new series of blogs later today.. First one will be up later….
Back in ldn. It seems on this occassion i did not manage to ‘take the weather with me’. Crowded House suggestion is just unrealistic.
Back to london. Doing my best to ‘crowded house’ the crap out of this florida weather #referencefromtheearly90’s x
Ps.. Its a chai latte… Obviously. Not only does it taste good but it makes you feel all cosmopolitan and trendy when you order it.
Due to laziness, tonight’s dinner in Florida is provided by starbucks, as it is the closest thing to my hotel.
